This is not a meme

No, no, no. This is absolutely, most definitely and completely not a meme. Instead, this is merely some utterly pointless displacement activity to save me from the worst bad mood I’ve experienced since my days trying to maintain a Mr Whippy ice cream van in the fiery pits of hell, and because in my head I am currently working out charming ways of putting people to particularly grisly death when I am Ruler Of The Entire Known World (Except Venezuela). Why does everyone seem to be so horrendously incompetent? All the time? And neither notice or care that they are?

Ahem. Anyway.

So no, this is not a meme. However, a short while ago I was browsing through my personal Gmail inbox - alarmed but, sadly, also faintly pleased at how immensely popular I appeared to be on this gloomy Monday afternoon - and I began examining the Suggested Links that Google threw up for me having carefully scanned the contents of each email. It was odd, to say the least; faintly alarming, to say the most. Here are the results from the first ten emails in my inbox. Oh God, I appear to have slipped into a state of utter, utter pointlessness.

1. Folding Boxes
Art Prints Made Any Size
Need a Pug Lover Gift?
Gmail is trying to tell me: that the ultimate gift for the Pug lover in my life is a tasteful art print of the delightful animal.

2. Shaggy’s New Song
Cliff Richard - Live DVD
Dog Music for dogs & you
Gmail is trying to tell me: that I should get to know many more singing shaggy dogs, preferably ones that have duetted with Sir Cliff Richard. (No Olivia Newton-John jokes, please.)

3. Streetcar
Reception Party Venue
Meet Eton Road
Gmail is trying to tell me: that I should face the full horror of my unhealthy addiction to The X Factor - although I have absolutely no desire to meet a third-rate boy band that didn’t even win the bloody competition. I have standards, you know.

4. Will your child be safe?
Rymax Family Toilet Seat
Cows ‘n’ Things
Gmail is trying to tell me: that if I ever have a child, I should dismiss any thoughts of employing a fiercely growling nanny or an expensive Swedish guard dog (um, those may need to be the other way round), and instead should just get the delicate babe looked after by a friendly mooing cow.

5. Poor Credit History Loans
Blues Brothers Tribute
Awful Frequent Diarrhea?
Gmail is trying to tell me: that the last may be closely connected with the first. Well, I blame all that worrying over not being able to get a loan to buy a Rymax Family Toilet Seat: “the toilet seat the whole family can enjoy!” Which is lucky, as they will need to be using it Awfully Frequently.

6. Get Paid For Writing
Xyron Cutting System
University Essays UK
Gmail is trying to tell me: that this is one for all the cheating, essay-cribbing students out there. I used to be one of your number, and you might as well face the harsh truth now. You’re never going to get paid to writing for a living. Such is the reality of things. Life’s hard, then you die. Get used to it.

7. Are you an Artist?
New Forest Poetry
Office Picasso Masterpiece
Gmail is trying to tell me: that Pablo Picasso works in my office. Which is really quite impressive. I haven’t seen him come out of the stationery cupboard yet, mind you. He’s probably in there being creative, making collages out of post-it notes.

8. Calabria Italy Research
Quality Celtic Shop
Become a Lord or Lady
Gmail is trying to tell me: that I am almost certainly harbouring a deeply repressed desire to be a Scottish Lady. Then a Dame. Like dear, dear Judi or darling Maggie. Or my friend Sarah.

9. Newly Discovered Species
Write a press release
How To Write A Eulogy
Gmail is trying to tell me: that a eulogy is really nothing more than a glorified press release for someone who’s finally shuffled off this mortal coil to go and play harp on a cloud, albeit read in a rather more sombre voice. Both, however, are just a pack of lies.

10. 16,500 miles, no engine
Holy Bible Evidence
Be A Fascinating Woman
Gmail is trying to tell me: that I should be reading the word of God much more closely, because within its pages lie the age old truths of how to become a fascinating woman. Like Eve, but not like Lot’s missus. She got it all very wrong: condiment is so not a good look, dear.

So has this helped my black mood? No, not really. Have the mysterious secrets of Gmail’s Suggested Links, er, suggested any great revelations to me? Well, other than that my path to true happiness undoubtedly lies in becoming an ennobled female artist, moving to Italy, and buying a pet cow to masticate (I said masticate) on the front lawn, I’d say probably not. Sadly, I’m still entirely in the dark vis-à-vis dramatic, cloud-parting revelations. And am I now going to nominate some top A-list bloggers to take up the challenge of my exciting, new and original meme? No, absolutely not. If you want to do it, you can, but all it will end up showing is that you’ve got far too much time on your hands.

Back to the grindstome, then. I have an Entire Known World to run. Except Venezuela, of course. Those bloody Venezuelans are nothing but trouble.