In truth, this strangest of strange days happened one and a half weeks ago, but I still haven’t quite recovered from the fact that, for a few short minutes, I was standing in my underpants (not just my underpants, but my trousers were certainly round my ankles at the time) in front of the ageing, […]
Last Wednesday, I finally took delivery of my Macbook Pro. Five days on, I think I am finally over the worst stages of simply stroking its surfaces and gazing lustfully at its contours. (You don’t want to know. You really don’t want to know.) Here, however, is an illustration of the somewhat tragic depths to which […]
So I’m looking before I leap, before I strike, before I dive. This is one of those evenings where I feel as if I’m about to go down in history like a lead-weighted grand piano, down to this Devil-forsaken town. Hold my hand as we take to these litter-strewn streets together. The way you speak […]
I would like to say that there is a snaking queue of words here, with each noun, verb and adjective waiting to make its presence felt upon the clean white sheet of this virtual page. But there isn’t. I had a brief dream, an even more fleeting vision, of groups of letters leaping into the blue […]
Today has brought some great news for the world of bloggers, blogging and, indeed, bloggery in general. Having recognised the immense contribution that I have made to publicising the weblog medium — thanks to the publication of my rather saucy book Belle de Désastre: Irritating Adventures of a London Wastrel a couple of years ago, […]
I am here yet elsewhere. There appears to be not a soul answering my queries on the other end of this virtual postbox, which continues to blush bright red at both their absence and my sheer temerity. Meanwhile, I continue to dwell in circular confusion because bouncing plastic is promising the cheeriest of one-minute responses […]
There was a space of between five to ten minutes early this afternoon — as I stood with half my body tightly wrapped in cling film and stuck down with precisely scissored lengths of gaffer tape, having a part of my anatomy encased in a quick-setting mould made from wet elastic bandages, all the while […]
It seems that I have won a prize for my blogging. A blogging prize, no less. No, not that one — since, in case you hadn’t noticed, although I may have behaved like quite the dirty little tart before the event, I have not said a word about it since. So it’s not the award […]
Magnolia is an evil colour. Whichever interior designer it was who first came up with the idea that it speaks of calming and soothing and reassuring and home should be shot in the knees until they dance. Nine months ago, I covered this wall with three pairs of cats’ eyes in different shades of psychedelia, and […]
Once upon a time, I was that close to working in ‘the arts’. I had a degree in Drama from a university fairly well known for such things, and I was about to embark on a grand career in ‘the arts’, spending my days and nights on artful and artistic projects such as directing obscure […]
“I hate Macs. I have always hated Macs. I hate people who use Macs. I even hate people who don’t use Macs but sometimes wish they did. Macs are glorified Fisher-Price activity centres for adults; computers for scaredy cats too nervous to learn how proper computers work; computers for people who earnestly believe in feng […]
I need to go to Paris in the springtime. I am under strict self-instruction to search the alleys and back streets, just as the winter chill is turning to mild warmth and the raindrops changing from spitting to soothing. I need to solve a mystery. My mission is to find a message left for me, […]