My new appellation

I hate Macs. I have always hated Macs. I hate people who use Macs. I even hate people who don’t use Macs but sometimes wish they did. Macs are glorified Fisher-Price activity centres for adults; computers for scaredy cats too nervous to learn how proper computers work; computers for people who earnestly believe in feng shui.” - Charlie Brooker, writing in The Guardian.

I will confess to feeling a little confused, not to mention overwhelmed. Have I joined a strange new cult, full of benevolent smiles of recognition and secret handshakes? Have I, alternatively, signed my name in blood on the application form to become a citizen of the most evil of evil empires? Or have I just bought a shiny new piece of consumer technology, but singularly failed to grasp what all the fuss is about on either side of the argument?

Hopefully it’s the last of the three, although I do feel myself increasingly powerless to resist being drawn into the realms of hype and hyperbole. Oh, but you see it’s so beautiful. So perfectly designed. So inspiring. So user-friendly. So intuitive. So shiny. So sleek. So. Just so …

Ahem. Please control yourself. No dribbling in public.

The past few days have been full of more than a few palpitations, as I have found myself spending a shockingly vast amount of money - significantly, though, not real money, but rather the sort of hire purchase loan agreement sums that don’t count as tangible pounds and pence either in my pocket or in my sweaty palms - on buying a MacBook Pro. An Apple computer. Mine, all mine. Well, mine in three years time. Until then, Apple Financing and I will just come to a mutually beneficial agreement where I get their laptop and they get a portion of my soul on a monthly basis. Which seems fair, all told.

Geek interlude: If you’re a normal person, please look away now. Gone? Right. 15.4” matte screen, 2GB memory, 160GB hard drive and, er, some sort of processor type thing of no doubt amazing speed, since you ask. These details were helpfully provided for those of you who care about such things, and would only have asked in the comments if I hadn’t told you. Happy now?

This morning, the credit agreement turned up in the post, following a nervous ten minutes spent hanging on the phone on Friday morning, during which I swore I was about to hear the fateful and demeaning utterance: “I’m sorry, but there appears to be a slight problem with your application for financing. You’re broke, aren’t you?” But no. Not a word of it. They couldn’t have bent over any more backwards to give me what I wanted without fracturing something nasty in the process. And what I wanted was an Apple Mac. Now. Give me it. Give me shiny technology. Mmm.

Oh dear, I can feel that telltale trickle of saliva again. Excuse me just a moment whilst I embarrass myself by dabbing at my mouth with a moist tissue.

Finally, all those long, lonely years of loitering suspiciously on the Apple stands at various trade shows are over. No more shall I feel the need to avoid the gazes of security staff as I reach out and touch those sleek surfaces, stroking computers in ways that most right-minded people would probably deem offensive. No, now I will be able to indulge such lustful tendencies in the privacy of my own home - and when I finally receive the item in question, that is very probably what I’ll spend the first few days doing: drooling in an unseemly manner. It could well be a whole week before I even dare to gently open its virgin lid (as it were) and corrupt the keyboard within with the touch of my filthy, unworthy fingers.

I sense that I’m getting slightly carried away again. Look, all I did was buy a computer. A heap of plastic, metal and microchips put together in a superficially appealing fashion. It’s silver-grey in colour. Much like my current laptop, in fact. It’s nice. It cost an almost disgraceful sum of money. Hopefully it won’t have an internal fan that sounds like a small jumbo jet is attempting to taxi down a runway inside the CD compartment. I’ll have to get new software. And accessories. And feed it premium cat food and saucers of milk on a regular basis so that it continues to purr at me. Or something.

The MacBook Pro arrives in a few days. Things may then go rather quiet for a while. The only sound you’ll hear from this direction will probably be sighs of sheer contentment. Who needs relationships with real people when you’ve got Apple products?

Footnote: Having waxed lyrical with such fulsome praise, it has to be said that those new Apple Mac ads featuring Mitchell and Webb are worrying me. Worrying me a great deal. Considering that the duo’s comedy star has been in the ascendant for quite some time, why had no one who knows me thought to inform me before now that I sound exactly like David Mitchell? Exactly like him? And, worse still, that I appear to have borrowed his hair? I think we should be told.

Comments: 21

    i am not going to leave a comment on this entry because i’m jealous.

    i mean, no. i’m not jealous. not at all. nope.
    [and this isn’t a comment.]

    bah. enjoy.

    and so. | 02.05.07, 19:52

    I’ve had my iBook for over 3 years now and tired battery aside (which was covered under last year’s battery replacement doobrey) touchwood I’ve had no problems with it. No crashes, no reinstalls, no keys falling off; plug and play with various cameras and mp3 players and it looks good to boot.

    My work laptop (Windows XP on a snazzy Compaq) is about the same age, has been rebuilt three times and can’t handle more than a CMS and a spreadsheet open at the same time. I know one’s MMV, but I know which I prefer.

    Good luck, enjoy (and Versiontracker is your friend for Mac software)

    Vicky | 02.05.07, 20:03

    Oh heck, another mac-evangelist in the making..

    (Not jealous…not jealous At All. Nope!)

    Cheerful One | 02.05.07, 20:38

    benevolent smiles of recognition and secret handshakes”. Reminds me of blogmeets.

    andre | 02.05.07, 20:45

    I bought a MacBook in September and pretty much every morning upon waking up and seeing it on my desk, I have to fight the urge to cuddle it in my arms like a new born child.

    I am so happy with it.

    Kate | 02.05.07, 20:54

    Ah, at least I know what you sound like now :)

    anxious | 02.05.07, 22:33

    I am forced to confess that I cheered - but only a little - when I read the Brooker piece myself this morning.

    I am not a Mac person at all, but I appreciate their beauty. Still, I wouldn’t want to have to actually do anything with one. Exactly the way I feel about Rupert Everett, in fact.

    Jack | 02.05.07, 22:53

    I acquired a MacBook about three weeks ago and have had an iMac for just over three years — I love them both but not *quite* as much as I love my dog …

    Have fun and feel free to email me or post a comment on my site if you need any help or have found cool tricks to do on it.

    Also, consider getting Undercover: http://orbicule.com/undercover/

    Timmargh | 02.06.07, 00:42

    I even hate people who don’t use Macs but sometimes wish they did.”
    I seem to be in the cult too, and I’ve barely been near one of the things. All I did was read some articles on the Vista DRM stuff.

    QE | 02.06.07, 10:03

    They’re very pretty, yes, but what exactly is different about a Mac? Do they do anything that a laptop or PC with the same spec can’t? I don’t think they can. But if anyone can prove otherwise then I will happily admit the error of my ways and eat my hat.

    Still, I’m pleased that you’re pleased.

    Timbo | 02.06.07, 11:12

    Er…

    Well.

    OK OK. I want. I WANT!!

    But I can’t have because Macs don’t play nice when remote desktop-ing to my work PC. Bah.

    So I guess that means a new PC AND a Mac for me… hmmm

    Gordon | 02.06.07, 11:57

    I just like the way you get a nice bouncy icons at the bottom.

    And I like bottoms.

    I think I’ve said that already today.

    Miss Tickle | 02.06.07, 13:12

    Oh, pish! Everyone knows that those uppity Guardian journalists heap disdain on anything that’s even remotely popular to the masses.

    Macs beat PCs hands-down just for their immunity to viruses. Fisher Price or nay, who wants to spend their life and money renewing elaborate anti-viral software?

    Morgan | 02.06.07, 14:14

    I think Apple is fundamentally on the wrong track with this recent campaign. Macboy is too vague and smug. I felt the Mac ownership urge a few months ago, but it’s waned since seeing those ads.

    Hg | 02.06.07, 18:05

    I just got a new PC. Love it, use it loads but the yearning for a Mac doesn’t abate. I feel we will end up a PC and Mac household before the year is out, if my son can get his head around Macs - they use Pcs in school don’t they? Microsoft’s world domination will, I predict, all be over in the next two years. Vista is nothing spesh. And we all have other choices out there re searches, entertainment etc.

    seahorse | 02.06.07, 23:41

    Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate! I have never kicked computers more than I used to kick those ruddy Macs back in the day when I worked for a living. “Oooo, look at us, we have special transparent keyboards and no button mice - aren’t we STYLISH! Aren’t we magnificent! Don’t you want to lick us?” It’s like you took Posh Spice and turned her into a computer - all excessive grooming and self-obsession, but ultimately empty with just a hint of the demonic.

    Caite | 02.07.07, 00:14

    Oh, but I hope you and the Macbook are very happy together. :-)

    Caite | 02.07.07, 00:15

    …exhausting scrolling to the end of this list… the Mac, obviously… say no more, it’s the City verses Saville Row darling, but Timmargh’s advice on Undercover from Orbicule. Scary. Who wants an application that reports on it’s whereabouts to who-knows-who every six seconds, can watch you through your isight camera without you knowing anythibng about it, knows where you surf to and can grab screen shots when it feels like it and send them back to big brother? I’d rather have my Mac stolen and maintain my privacy thankyou very much. It’s only a computer after all.

    Blather...... | 02.07.07, 18:54

    … sorry, not ‘anythibng’ … I meant: anything !

    Blather...... | 02.07.07, 18:57

    by the way, i’m not jealous any longer. not that i was jealous to begin with, you understand, but now i’m ‘not jealous x 2’. yes.

    and so. | 02.12.07, 19:03

Leave a comment