Do-it-yourself Unreliable Witness

Just call me boun­ti­ful. First I gave you your very own badge with which to tell the world that you run noth­ing but the most civil, decent and upstand­ing of blogs by order of Her Majesty the Queen (or else she sends Prince Philip round with a ham­mer), and now I am mak­ing another highly exclus­ive down­load freely avail­able to you, my faith­ful reader. Let joy be unconfined.

No, this isn’t just a mani­fest­a­tion of writer’s block. Except it could be.

Fol­low­ing many pleas and requests — well, two — and expres­sions of ardent admir­a­tion for my dis­tinct­ive scrawl, I have decided to offer my hand­writ­ing as a free font. Writ­ten on post-it notes. Yes, I know that’s not exactly hi-tech, but you’ll just have to print out the page and care­fully cut round the let­ters and num­bers with a sharp pair of scissors.

Install An Unre­li­able Wit­ness Font v1.0 in your word pro­cessing pack­age of choice and you will instantly be able to enjoy at least sev­eral fun-filled minutes (or even less) writ­ing blank cheques, cre­at­ing poison pen let­ters to mail to unfaith­ful ex-partners, pen­ning romantic missives of per­petual ador­a­tion to poten­tial future lov­ers, and mak­ing notes to stick to the front of the fridge. Put cat out. Bring cat in. Do not put cat in microwave. This refri­ger­ator con­tains mould. That kind of thing.

Please note that this is a highly exclus­ive offer avail­able for a lim­ited time only. Or forever. Whichever comes sooner. As a bonus, the first two mil­lion people to down­load the font will receive a rather fetch­ing green post-it note con­tain­ing your very own typ­ic­ally obscure and obtuse Unre­li­able Witness-style entry. Because I know there are many of you out there who really want to be me. Why not post it on your own blog to baffle your read­ers and make them think you’re talk­ing about some­thing deep and mean­ing­ful when, in fact, you’re not?

Be sure to let me know if you do any­thing even remotely inter­est­ing with your free font. Except if it’s illegal. Then I don’t want to hear from you ever again, and will deny all know­ledge of you if asked in a court of law.

Comments: 33

    That is fabulous.

    I shall use it imme­di­ately to knock up a quick note stat­ing your imme­di­ate desire to sign over any tenu­ous rights you may have with regard to Mr Fry and your bequeath­ment (I’m get­ting too excited now, that’s not even a word, is it) of them to me entirely.

    And oooh, your zeds are just like mine.

    Jack | 04.16.07, 19:21

    Ah, my favour­ite stalker! Four minutes for a com­ment — that must be some sort of record. I am blush­ing deeply.

    I have my Mr Fry speak­ing clock now. It is small and dis­turb­ingly plastic, but will last a lifetime.

    An Unreliable Witness | 04.16.07, 19:26

    *starts to craft potato-stamp kit to rep­lic­ate font*

    kate | 04.16.07, 19:44

    Pic­tures! Pic­tures imme­di­ately! Of the clock, prefer­ably in situ and with an appro­pri­ate level of swoon­age hap­pen­ing in its imme­di­ate vicinity.

    I decided to wait for the ‘Madam’ ver­sion. Kindly feed my addic­tion in the meantime.

    Jack | 04.16.07, 19:53

    well hello

    joshua | 04.16.07, 19:55

    He is, sadly, tem­por­ar­ily exhausted. Spent. His bat­ter­ies have failed. But I shall even send a sound clip when he is repaired.

    An Unreliable Witness | 04.16.07, 19:57

    Kate — even bet­ter, I think my URL on pota­toes would look rather classy.

    An Unreliable Witness | 04.16.07, 19:58

    You have worked him to the point of exhaust­ive col­lapse in such short a time? I am sim­ul­tan­eously impressed and disgusted.

    Jack | 04.16.07, 20:00

    genius.

    I will of course, use your font.

    *fin­gers crossed I was one of the lucky 2 million*

    andre | 04.16.07, 20:06

    Con­grat­u­la­tions, Mr Jordan. You are indeed one of the lucky 2 mil­lion. I think you will find that An Unre­li­able Wit­ness Font v1.0 will vastly improve the qual­ity of the cap­tions below your doodles.

    An Unreliable Witness | 04.16.07, 20:10

    genius!

    imogen | 04.16.07, 20:15

    I hope so.

    I have just had a warn­ing from my web­log hosts!

    They basic­ally said I was a bit of a toss­pot and had dis­ap­peared up my own arse and should pull my fin­ger out and read ‘my friends’ blogs more often as it wasn’t just about ME ME ME.

    andre | 04.16.07, 20:16

    Imo­gen — thank you. To be termed ‘genius’ by your­self is a great hon­our. And no, that isn’t sarcasm.

    Andre — your web­log hosts are right. Your beha­viour is shock­ing. This post is not about you, by the way.

    An Unreliable Witness | 04.16.07, 20:18

    No. It’s about me. See how care­fully he has emu­lated my zeds? That’s how you can tell, you know.

    Jack | 04.16.07, 20:20

    For­sooth, it’s true. I can­not lie.

    Dear read­ers of An Unre­li­able Wit­ness. This post is about Jack Pan­demian of, er, Pan­demian. That’s Jack Pan­demian of Pan­demian. Go read Pan­demian. It. Is. Very. Good. And. Stuff. It. Says. Here.

    Will that do, Jack?

    An Unreliable Witness | 04.16.07, 20:24

    *swoon*

    Jack | 04.16.07, 20:27

    ran out of pota­toes, sorry…

    kate | 04.16.07, 20:41

    Kate — What can I say? Other than my eyes are moist. (I said my eyes, Andre; my eyes!)

    An Unreliable Witness | 04.16.07, 20:44

    ah, what is life if you can’t be a little ran­dom sometimes…

    if there were more pota­toes in the world…

    kate | 04.16.07, 21:00

    no one ever writes posts about me.

    andre | 04.16.07, 21:54

    lovely — I am par­tic­u­larly fond of your lower case “t” and “f” and “e“s — the upward slant to the former two indic­ates optim­ism and humour. Which reminds me of a joke:

    Man walks into his doctors:

    Man: “Doc­tor doc­tor, I can’t say my f’s my t’s or my h’s”

    Dr: “Well, you can’t say fairer than that then”

    I thank you (well Tommy Cooper does).

    Bonne nuit xx

    Peach | 04.16.07, 22:04

    you are so thought­ful Unre­li­able! will use imme­di­ately for my fridge! x

    Rachel | 04.16.07, 22:39

    You have given me an idea for a post.

    Jack | 04.17.07, 13:26

    baaaaaa

    (damn, wrong post)

    Cheerful One | 04.17.07, 16:37

    Peach — Optim­ism and humour? Gosh. I am get­ting my read­ers to ana­lyse my hand­writ­ing. How uterly fantastic.

    Andre — No one ever writes posts about who, exactly?

    Jack — Is it a sala­cious idea? I like giv­ing people sala­cious ideas.

    Cheer­ful One — Sheep? Where? Oh. There. See, even when my posts are about me, me, me, people con­fuse them with posts on his site. Oh, you know, that one with doodles. Sigh.

    An Unreliable Witness | 04.17.07, 16:48

    oh Mr Unre­li­able Esquire
    would that i could muster up the energy to com­ment some­thing appro­pri­ate but I am still laugh­ing after exit­ing another blog place. We don’t men­tion his name in case he thinks this post is about him.
    I love this post though, really.
    I am talk­ing to the copy­right people about your font.
    I want sole cus­tody by the way.

    annie | 04.17.07, 17:59

    Could I be you? That would make me a Con­tin­ental creature of sorts that adds a little extra bar to her sev­ens. How ter­ribly proper and dis­tin­guished. For this very reason, I could never be you. But thanks for the offer.

    Ariel | 04.17.07, 22:39

    Annie — It’s an extremely high copy­right fee, but I’m sure you and the other claimants can fight over with grit­ted teeth.

    Ariel — Oh, any­one can be me. As the green post-it note says, you just have to write a load of toss about eye­lids and employ a few impen­et­rable words. Easy.

    An Unreliable Witness | 04.17.07, 23:09

    oh now Mr Unre­li­ably Esquire
    i do hope you are not call­ing me
    cheap?

    annie | 04.18.07, 12:47

    Never, Annie! I know that read­ers of An Unre­li­able Wit­ness are an expens­ive bunch, and quite rightly so, for they expect only the finest things in life.

    An Unreliable Witness | 04.18.07, 16:33

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