Do-it-yourself Unreliable Witness

Just call me bountiful. First I gave you your very own badge with which to tell the world that you run nothing but the most civil, decent and upstanding of blogs by order of Her Majesty the Queen (or else she sends Prince Philip round with a hammer), and now I am making another highly exclusive download freely available to you, my faithful reader. Let joy be unconfined.

No, this isn’t just a manifestation of writer’s block. Except it could be.

Following many pleas and requests - well, two - and expressions of ardent admiration for my distinctive scrawl, I have decided to offer my handwriting as a free font. Written on post-it notes. Yes, I know that’s not exactly hi-tech, but you’ll just have to print out the page and carefully cut round the letters and numbers with a sharp pair of scissors.

Install An Unreliable Witness Font v1.0 in your word processing package of choice and you will instantly be able to enjoy at least several fun-filled minutes (or even less) writing blank cheques, creating poison pen letters to mail to unfaithful ex-partners, penning romantic missives of perpetual adoration to potential future lovers, and making notes to stick to the front of the fridge. Put cat out. Bring cat in. Do not put cat in microwave. This refrigerator contains mould. That kind of thing.

Please note that this is a highly exclusive offer available for a limited time only. Or forever. Whichever comes sooner. As a bonus, the first two million people to download the font will receive a rather fetching green post-it note containing your very own typically obscure and obtuse Unreliable Witness-style entry. Because I know there are many of you out there who really want to be me. Why not post it on your own blog to baffle your readers and make them think you’re talking about something deep and meaningful when, in fact, you’re not?

Be sure to let me know if you do anything even remotely interesting with your free font. Except if it’s illegal. Then I don’t want to hear from you ever again, and will deny all knowledge of you if asked in a court of law.

Comments: 33

    That is fabulous.

    I shall use it immediately to knock up a quick note stating your immediate desire to sign over any tenuous rights you may have with regard to Mr Fry and your bequeathment (I’m getting too excited now, that’s not even a word, is it) of them to me entirely.

    And oooh, your zeds are just like mine.

    Jack | 04.16.07, 19:21

    Ah, my favourite stalker! Four minutes for a comment - that must be some sort of record. I am blushing deeply.

    I have my Mr Fry speaking clock now. It is small and disturbingly plastic, but will last a lifetime.

    An Unreliable Witness | 04.16.07, 19:26

    *starts to craft potato-stamp kit to replicate font*

    kate | 04.16.07, 19:44

    Pictures! Pictures immediately! Of the clock, preferably in situ and with an appropriate level of swoonage happening in its immediate vicinity.

    I decided to wait for the ‘Madam’ version. Kindly feed my addiction in the meantime.

    Jack | 04.16.07, 19:53

    well hello

    joshua | 04.16.07, 19:55

    He is, sadly, temporarily exhausted. Spent. His batteries have failed. But I shall even send a sound clip when he is repaired.

    An Unreliable Witness | 04.16.07, 19:57

    Kate - even better, I think my URL on potatoes would look rather classy.

    An Unreliable Witness | 04.16.07, 19:58

    You have worked him to the point of exhaustive collapse in such short a time? I am simultaneously impressed and disgusted.

    Jack | 04.16.07, 20:00

    genius.

    I will of course, use your font.

    *fingers crossed I was one of the lucky 2 million*

    andre | 04.16.07, 20:06

    Congratulations, Mr Jordan. You are indeed one of the lucky 2 million. I think you will find that An Unreliable Witness Font v1.0 will vastly improve the quality of the captions below your doodles.

    An Unreliable Witness | 04.16.07, 20:10

    genius!

    imogen | 04.16.07, 20:15

    I hope so.

    I have just had a warning from my weblog hosts!

    They basically said I was a bit of a tosspot and had disappeared up my own arse and should pull my finger out and read ‘my friends’ blogs more often as it wasn’t just about ME ME ME.

    andre | 04.16.07, 20:16

    Imogen - thank you. To be termed ‘genius’ by yourself is a great honour. And no, that isn’t sarcasm.

    Andre - your weblog hosts are right. Your behaviour is shocking. This post is not about you, by the way.

    An Unreliable Witness | 04.16.07, 20:18

    No. It’s about me. See how carefully he has emulated my zeds? That’s how you can tell, you know.

    Jack | 04.16.07, 20:20

    Forsooth, it’s true. I cannot lie.

    Dear readers of An Unreliable Witness. This post is about Jack Pandemian of, er, Pandemian. That’s Jack Pandemian of Pandemian. Go read Pandemian. It. Is. Very. Good. And. Stuff. It. Says. Here.

    Will that do, Jack?

    An Unreliable Witness | 04.16.07, 20:24

    *swoon*

    Jack | 04.16.07, 20:27

    ran out of potatoes, sorry…

    kate | 04.16.07, 20:41

    Kate - What can I say? Other than my eyes are moist. (I said my eyes, Andre; my eyes!)

    An Unreliable Witness | 04.16.07, 20:44

    ah, what is life if you can’t be a little random sometimes…

    if there were more potatoes in the world…

    kate | 04.16.07, 21:00

    no one ever writes posts about me.

    andre | 04.16.07, 21:54

    lovely - I am particularly fond of your lower case “t” and “f” and “e”s - the upward slant to the former two indicates optimism and humour. Which reminds me of a joke:

    Man walks into his doctors:

    Man: “Doctor doctor, I can’t say my f’s my t’s or my h’s”

    Dr: “Well, you can’t say fairer than that then”

    I thank you (well Tommy Cooper does).

    Bonne nuit xx

    Peach | 04.16.07, 22:04

    you are so thoughtful Unreliable! will use immediately for my fridge! x

    Rachel | 04.16.07, 22:39

    You have given me an idea for a post.

    Jack | 04.17.07, 13:26

    baaaaaa

    (damn, wrong post)

    Cheerful One | 04.17.07, 16:37

    Peach - Optimism and humour? Gosh. I am getting my readers to analyse my handwriting. How uterly fantastic.

    Andre - No one ever writes posts about who, exactly?

    Jack - Is it a salacious idea? I like giving people salacious ideas.

    Cheerful One - Sheep? Where? Oh. There. See, even when my posts are about me, me, me, people confuse them with posts on his site. Oh, you know, that one with doodles. Sigh.

    An Unreliable Witness | 04.17.07, 16:48

    oh Mr Unreliable Esquire
    would that i could muster up the energy to comment something appropriate but I am still laughing after exiting another blog place. We don’t mention his name in case he thinks this post is about him.
    I love this post though, really.
    I am talking to the copyright people about your font.
    I want sole custody by the way.

    annie | 04.17.07, 17:59

    Could I be you? That would make me a Continental creature of sorts that adds a little extra bar to her sevens. How terribly proper and distinguished. For this very reason, I could never be you. But thanks for the offer.

    Ariel | 04.17.07, 22:39

    Annie - It’s an extremely high copyright fee, but I’m sure you and the other claimants can fight over with gritted teeth.

    Ariel - Oh, anyone can be me. As the green post-it note says, you just have to write a load of toss about eyelids and employ a few impenetrable words. Easy.

    An Unreliable Witness | 04.17.07, 23:09

    oh now Mr Unreliably Esquire
    i do hope you are not calling me cheap?

    annie | 04.18.07, 12:47

    Never, Annie! I know that readers of An Unreliable Witness are an expensive bunch, and quite rightly so, for they expect only the finest things in life.

    An Unreliable Witness | 04.18.07, 16:33

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