It’s sunny and warm. I do not like sunny and warm. I want more of those floods of downright biblical proportions please, and for the weather outside my drab office or bedroom windows to resemble deepest, darkest October. You can accuse me of being unseasonal, if you like, but I’ll merely push your ice cream […]
Once upon a time, there lived an overweight whale called Phyllis. Of course, nobody told Phyllis that she was overweight. She was already large — what with being a whale and everything — and she had rather a short temper too, particularly when she was peckish. The last thing you want to do to an […]
Up and over and over and out. Diving from flesh I emerged freshly spittle wrecked, chased by creatures conjured up by the warped reflection of someone I no longer regard or recall, and a someone from whom I would no longer recoil if only I had the strength. But not me, right? Never me, right? I […]
Once upon a time, there lived a squirrel called Cynthia. Cynthia was the most generous squirrel you could ever wish to meet. Indeed, she was generous to a fault, and in her case it was a very big fault. Like any squirrel, most of her day was spent scurrying around the forest foraging for nuts. She […]
Somehow, everything is becoming virtual ripples, concentric circles seen in a scene on a screen in black and white. We’re typing frantically, back and forth and back again. Dotting our eyes and crossing our tees until our fingers overwhelm us and our blurred vision can no longer keep up with our pathetic physicality. The mind […]
I’m woken by weak morning sun and even weaker mourning tea — are you still drinking green? — accompanied by a slice of mouldy, putrid birthday cake that oozes and spews rancid cream. Freshly knifed, but rotting from the inside out because it was left to gather dust for months in preparation for this tender […]
“Take that bloke next door, for instance. That bloke next door … I mean, I don’t object to him. Barely know him, in fact. But you know, it’s just something. Something about him. You get that feeling, don’t you? I hear him hammering on the wall ’til late, and then when he sees me in […]
Don’t bring a torch. You won’t need it. I have furnished us with a single, swinging light which will provide us with quite enough shadows to stare each other down and out inside this featureless room. I have decided, decreed, determined that you can interrogate me in black and white. It will be a learning process, […]
I don’t climb the walls when i wake. No, I wait for them to descend to my level, so that I can rap my knuckles three times on the ceiling, without even stretching, and check that the roof is still present. That doesn’t make sense, however, because last night I slept under a canopy of […]
You get methodical. Get yourself a methodology. Packet open. Always read the label. Strip pulled from packet. Read the label again, just to double check. Try and remember. How did you used to do this? You know? Before? The label will say, the label will tell you, the label will keep you coldly informed. So read. […]
Stopped in my tracks by words, by a fanfare of blasts and horns and cries and the faintest of whispers. Syllables must, sentences must not. Out, damned spot. Out, damned semi-colon. I remember walking through an alley somewhere off the North Pole. I’m sure it was the North Pole. There is a road that leads […]