Wrong number #1

“Hello, is that the Buddhist Chant Peace and Reassurance Helpline? I’m so glad I’ve got through to you, because I’m desperately in need of some reassurance. Maybe if you could chant to me quietly whilst I sit here cross-legged with my eyes closed and then … what? What do you mean? At this time of night? It’s only 3.39am in the morning! This is precisely when people such as myself are in need of reassurance! Call yourself a helpline? Don’t you dare use that sort of language with me, young lady! I’m having a major existential crisis, calling up to have my troubled soul soothed, calmed and hopefully restored to a state of blissful peace and you’ve got the damned nerve to tell me to … the warden? In a hospice? For the terminally ill? Oh. Sorry to bother you.”