Wrong number #1

“Hello, is that the Buddhist Chant Peace and Reassurance Helpline? I’m so glad I’ve got through to you, because I’m desperately in need of some reassurance. Maybe if you could chant to me quietly whilst I sit here cross-legged with my eyes closed and then … what? What do you mean? At this time of night? It’s only 3.39am in the morning! This is precisely when people such as myself are in need of reassurance! Call yourself a helpline? Don’t you dare use that sort of language with me, young lady! I’m having a major existential crisis, calling up to have my troubled soul soothed, calmed and hopefully restored to a state of blissful peace and you’ve got the damned nerve to tell me to … the warden? In a hospice? For the terminally ill? Oh. Sorry to bother you.”

Comments: 8

    Well.

    At least the caller would be distracted from the existential crisis by anger.

    Not sure what else to say.

    bohémienne | 09.08.07, 19:24

    existential crises can sometimes be tricked into other layers. Like smothering the crises with a towel, to rid them of oxygen. like fire. and blankets.

    but if a telephone call were placed to the Buddhist Chant Peace and Reassurance Helpline, would they answer with “hello, Buddhist Chant Peace and Reassurance Helpline, how can i help?” or would it simply be a lot of meditative chant noise?

    Miles Away | 09.08.07, 23:44

    well at least it wasn’t a sex-talk phone line. they would have charged you a king’s ransom and you’d still have your existential crisis.

    kermit | 09.09.07, 10:08

    Every time the special children down the street talk to me, I get the sense of existence.

    miss july | 09.09.07, 22:15

    “…yes, yes, he’s calling random numbers and babbling on about existentialism again. Thank you and please hurry.”

    Ani | 09.09.07, 22:23

    weeeee-erd, this actually happened to me last year, we had a few callers on a newly installed hardly used landline calling up asking for a prayer. I tried my hardest to begin with, after all I didn’t know how badly they needed comfort or how just little could help, but after a while I installed an ansaphone…

    was I wrong?

    Peach | 09.10.07, 11:08

    You made me laugh.

    O | 09.11.07, 01:40

    Bohémienne - There really ought to be existential hotlines to stop the anger boiling over.

    Miles Away - I do hope the line would be crystal clear. There’s nothing worse than hiss and crackle during one’s meditation.

    Kermit - What they need is an existential sex-talk line, thus killing two birds with one stone.

    Miss July - The special children don’t talk to me. They tend to run away. Probably wisely.

    Ani - Who are you calling? Is it the Emeergency Buddhist Service?

    Peach - You weren’t wrong. I eventually stopped calling and went to see my local priest instead. Sorry about the confusion.

    O - Good.

    An Unreliable Witness | 09.11.07, 22:10

Leave a comment