Wrong number #2

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been thirty-six years, three months and nineteen days since my last confession. Yes, sorry about that. All I remember is a dark tunnel, a sudden blinding light, and then a smack on the arse followed by a lot of crying and howling, and after that everything got rather busy. Funny how life happens. Anyway, I’m here now, so let’s get on with it. I hope you’re taking notes. I have been guilty of the sin of murdering next door’s cat by making it eat my Action Man when I was three years old; I have been guilty of the sin of sneakily reading my sister’s teenage diary, though I think you could let me off with just the one Hail Mary for that particular transgression, since all I discovered was how dull my sister really was and that she did nothing remotely salacious in her bedroom except listen to Duran Duran with the French exchange student; I have been guilty of the sin of standing by whilst the other boys stuck the new kid’s head down the toilet and flushed it, even though I had let him help me with my Maths homework the day before. This is probably too detailed, isn’t it? I’ll skip a bit, then. I have been guilty of the sins of avarice and of jealousy, though I have put all those details into a seventy-six page document which I will send through to your E-Confessions service; I have been guilty of sloth, when I could be bothered; in my favour, Father, I have not often been guilty of the sin of lust, though I’m working on that one … sorry? No, I don’t quite understand you. Could you speak a little more slowly, please? Oh, hang on, so this isn’t Dial-a-Confession? Yes, um, me love you long time too, but that’s not the point right now. I want to tell you all my sins. Punish me? Why would you want to punish me? I thought I would just say a few prayers and that would be it. No, no, I don’t want to sin, I want to have my sins forgiven. Do you understand? I need absolving. No, absolving. You no speakee da Inglish, no? What do you mean, absolving will cost extra because it requires special equipment? Really? Gosh, that sounds painful. Is absolving supposed to hurt that much? Hello? Hello? Are you still there?”