Wrong number #2

“For­give me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been thirty-six years, three months and nine­teen days since my last con­fes­sion. Yes, sorry about that. All I remem­ber is a dark tun­nel, a sud­den blind­ing light, and then a smack on the arse fol­lowed by a lot of cry­ing and howl­ing, and after that everything got rather busy. Funny how life hap­pens. Any­way, I’m here now, so let’s get on with it. I hope you’re tak­ing notes. I have been guilty of the sin of mur­der­ing next door’s cat by mak­ing it eat my Action Man when I was three years old; I have been guilty of the sin of sneak­ily read­ing my sister’s teen­age diary, though I think you could let me off with just the one Hail Mary for that par­tic­u­lar trans­gres­sion, since all I dis­covered was how dull my sis­ter really was and that she did noth­ing remotely sala­cious in her bed­room except listen to Duran Duran with the French exchange stu­dent; I have been guilty of the sin of stand­ing by whilst the other boys stuck the new kid’s head down the toi­let and flushed it, even though I had let him help me with my Maths home­work the day before. This is prob­ably too detailed, isn’t it? I’ll skip a bit, then. I have been guilty of the sins of avarice and of jeal­ousy, though I have put all those details into a seventy-six page doc­u­ment which I will send through to your E-Confessions ser­vice; I have been guilty of sloth, when I could be bothered; in my favour, Father, I have not often been guilty of the sin of lust, though I’m work­ing on that one … sorry? No, I don’t quite under­stand you. Could you speak a little more slowly, please? Oh, hang on, so this isn’t Dial-a-Confession? Yes, um, me love you long time too, but that’s not the point right now. I want to tell you all my sins. Pun­ish me? Why would you want to pun­ish me? I thought I would just say a few pray­ers and that would be it. No, no, I don’t want to sin, I want to have my sins for­given. Do you under­stand? I need absolv­ing. No, absolv­ing. You no spea­kee da Ing­lish, no? What do you mean, absolv­ing will cost extra because it requires spe­cial equip­ment? Really? Gosh, that sounds pain­ful. Is absolv­ing sup­posed to hurt that much? Hello? Hello? Are you still there?”

Comments: 12

    So did you ever get that orange juice cap off? No, me neither.

    Ani | 11.11.07, 22:08

    E-Confessions — for the time-pressed sin­ner. How handy indeed.

    camille | 11.11.07, 22:57

    I am lust­ing after more of your words, is that sinful?

    Stephanie Boon | 11.12.07, 01:02

    Lust is a sin???

    I am in so much trouble.

    bohémienne | 11.12.07, 02:50

    Ani — No, I am a weak­ling. I’ve just struggled to get the sil­ver foil lid off the milk bottle, too.

    Cam­ille — It’s get­ting bet­ter: soon there will be Txt-a-Cnfssn. (Oh god.)

    Stephanie — Yes, lust­ing after my words is def­in­itely sin­ful. Say ninety-seven Hail Marys and hope to God that par­tic­u­lar lust never comes true, that’s my advice.

    Bohémi­enne — I have had a word with God. He con­firmed it. Yes, loads of trouble.

    An Unreliable Witness | 11.12.07, 08:11

    I am guilty of never quite being sure what the sin of avarice actu­ally entails, and whether or not I might enjoy it if I tried it.

    Jack | 11.12.07, 09:50

    This is an auto­mated blog-comment service.

    Press one for fawn­ing praise, two for light humour, three for self-depreciation, four for a book deal and five for rampant flaming.

    If you require actual human con­tact press hash. Schmuck.

    1,2,3,1,4,4,4,#

    Cheerful One | 11.12.07, 09:57

    Jack — Believe me, you would enjoy it. I shall send my own book of help­ful hints and tips.

    Cheer­ful One — I’m sorry. The ser­vices offered by keys 1, 2, 3 are cur­rently unavail­able. The xer­vice offered by the hash key has never been avail­able due to social anxi­ety. Please press 4 repeatedly. Erm, not that I’m mer­cen­ary or anything.

    (Oh God. Wait a minute. Fri­day was passive-aggressive day, not today)

    An Unreliable Witness | 11.12.07, 10:49

    ‘I’m a Cath­olic, get me out of here!’

    I shall say no more.

    andre | 11.12.07, 14:23

    “taxi”

    andre | 11.12.07, 15:24

    Passive-Aggressive Fri­day? PAF? I feel a new trend in blog­ging com­ing on…

    bohémienne | 11.12.07, 18:07

    Andre — I’ve seen you in that con­fes­sional booth more times than, well, some­thing you see many times. Naughty boy.

    Bohémi­enne — No other blog­ger is allowed to be passive-aggressive. I have copy­righted that par­tic­u­lar emo­tion for myself.

    An Unreliable Witness | 11.12.07, 23:05

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