Let me tell you about my new habit. My new disturbing habit. Except it’s not that new. It’s been going on for a few months. But it’s still quite disturbing. Even by my standards. Which are, as you’ll have realised, fairly broad. So. My still disturbing but now almost familiar habit. Swearing at myself, out […]
Where has my imagination gone? As questions go, this is up there with the likes of “how long is a piece of string?” or “who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong?” I’m not expecting you to offer an answer, unless you particularly relish a challenge, because there most likely isn’t one. Yet I’d still […]
It’s extremely rare that I come across a piece of writing to which my instant, entirely genuine response is: “The definitive article on this subject has finally been written. I can forget everything I’ve ever clumsily tried — either explicitly or implicitly — to put into words on the topic, tying myself in linguistic and […]
I have achieved the rare distinction of becoming a stereotype, of indulging in behaviour so tediously hackneyed that no one would dare to write it into a piece of fiction because they would be accused of dealing in the worst kind of dramatic cliché. Because tonight, I sat and stared at a blank white screen for […]
While sitting in the dark, move your fingers in front of the glaring light being pumped out from your laptop screen. If you concentrate hard enough, you’ll soon be able to conjure up some short dramatic scenes performed in silhouette, with your digits portraying each of the characters. As long as there are not more […]
This is hopefully going to be a very short-lived series — of one — mainly because I will soon be too old and decrepit to write lists, due to my senile mind failing before the second item. You know you’re getting old when you go to a hip ‘n’ happenin’ rock gig (oh God, I […]
To those readers who might well be of the opinion that I haven’t been doing enough to maintain this site’s hard-won reputation as the nation’s premier Legblog, I humbly offer the following small anecdote. The scene: yesterday afternoon, in a grey and uninspiring corridor near to my grey and uninspiring desk, located within a grey […]
Here’s my ironic approach, then. Write an entry for Blogging Against Disablism 2007 in which I blatantly put on display a whole slew of disgracefully disablist words. Shocking though they are — and hopefully you are all nodding vigorously in agreement and thinking to yourself that you wouldn’t dare use such phrases even in private, […]
Despite the number of years that I’ve been wearing this deep groove into the blogging treadmill, I still don’t appear to have grasped the fundamental point that us bloggers are really not half as important as they/we think they/we are. Nor the fundamental point that the sum total of someone’s existence is not greatly enhanced […]
In truth, this strangest of strange days happened one and a half weeks ago, but I still haven’t quite recovered from the fact that, for a few short minutes, I was standing in my underpants (not just my underpants, but my trousers were certainly round my ankles at the time) in front of the ageing, […]
There was a space of between five to ten minutes early this afternoon — as I stood with half my body tightly wrapped in cling film and stuck down with precisely scissored lengths of gaffer tape, having a part of my anatomy encased in a quick-setting mould made from wet elastic bandages, all the while […]
“I hate Macs. I have always hated Macs. I hate people who use Macs. I even hate people who don’t use Macs but sometimes wish they did. Macs are glorified Fisher-Price activity centres for adults; computers for scaredy cats too nervous to learn how proper computers work; computers for people who earnestly believe in feng […]
The morning dawned through the narrow slits in my half-sleepy, half-asleep eyes, and I considered the day ahead. Saturday. There was a nagging sensation, a feeling, that there was somewhere I was supposed to be today. Then it slowly began to dawn on me. I should have been getting dressed up to the nines and, […]
Or to put it in a rather less succinct but more understandable way: Recent Mundane Activities I Have Undertaken For Which I Suddenly Appear To Have Gained An Unexpected Audience (All Apparently Appreciative, Though Varying In Number): • Sleeping. • Having a nightmare. • Eating porridge. • Standing (albeit on one leg). • Watching Amelie […]