This morning, I woke up, wiped the sleep from my bloodshot eyes, and decided that I was going to be famous. Now. Now I’m famous. There. I became famous in the same moment that I typed the word ‘now’. At this precise point in time, right this minute, I am a legend. A legend in […]
Though I never ‘talk nonsense’, of course. Nor have I ever been known to ‘act in a trivial or ineffective way’. Well, only very occasionally.
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to introduce you to Stephen. Stephen is a pitiful young man who is suffering. I’m sure you can tell that, just by looking at his photograph on the right. He is suffering from a terrible affliction, with which he is afflicted twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, three […]
I have been tagged. Needless to say, this is not because I am lying on a slab of granite in the industrial concrete surroundings of a freezing cold mortuary, with a piece of yellowing card attached to my big toe and a frowning pathologist leaning over my corpse to examine the contents of my stomach […]
As an eminent blogging type person who is on the A-list — oh sorry, that should read “on a list” — I often receive emails from companies wishing to take advantage of some of the passing trade that might be provided by you, my huge retinue of ardent, swooning and no doubt exceptionally moist readers. […]
Today is a truly momentous day for An Unreliable Witness. But enough about me. Forget for a moment that this is my site, all about me. I know it’s difficult, but try. Just this once, please. I’m begging and imploring you. I know that I am an endlessly fascinating topic of conversation, so I promise […]
Wanted: Social Affairs Manager to take day-to-day responsibility for maintenance and upkeep of my Facebook, Twitter, Last.fm and Flickr accounts, ensuring that all are regularly updated with frequent and, above all, scintillating new content to make the subject appear greater than the sum of his rather uninspiring parts. Experience desirable. Salary negotiable. Benefits negligible. Apply […]
In what would undoubtedly be just a cheap and pale imitation of an idea first thought up by Andre Jordan of Andre Jordan fame, I am thinking of taking up doodling and have today myself bought a packet of felt tip pens. Watch out, world. Er, no, that’s not right. I mean, in a heartfelt homage […]
Due to both a lack of inspiration and a lack of words — though regrettably not a lack of infuriating and utterly ridiculous made-up terms that I seem to keep spotting in various articles scattered throughout the popular press — I present the following list of new buzz phrases concerning the highly dubious pastime of […]
There are many things that keep me awake at night. Foremost amongst these, obviously, are the warped thoughts and imaginings of my own diseased mind. Then there is the concerned voice of my social conscience, fretting about the future of the human race and whether the planet is doomed to disappear forever in a coughing […]
There now follows a crucial explanation as to why I don’t take part in memes. And it’s not just because I’m still somewhat uncertain about whether the infuriating word is correctly pronounced as mee-mee, meh-may or meem. The latest meme (sigh) to overtake the world of blogging appears to be an indulgent but frankly unwise […]
First, a preamble. My apologies that the following is going to be one of those entries that undoubtedly ends up as nothing more than a bitter, vituperative, slap my hand to my brow in exasperation attack on all things blog and web-related. Some targets, however, are too obvious to resist. Indeed, some targets positively beg […]
In a concerted effort to avoid examining my navel quite so much — delightful though it is, and no doubt filled with the most delicious remnants of fluff (no, I haven’t tasted it, I promise) — I am going to endeavour, just occasionally, to cast my eyes beyond the four walls of my fifth floor […]
Unaccustomed as I am to providing either links to other content on the web (so old-fashioned, and I know you’d much rather read my formless, ill-supported prose instead) or entries about matters of a geeky technical nature, I thought I should draw your attention to some important information concerning the emergency action to take if […]
Look closely, and you might notice something different. If you arrived at this URL expecting to find this site’s usual front page containing links to three blogs — Writing, Scribbling and Engaging — then your eyes are not deceiving you. An Unreliable Witness is now just one blog. How very mainstream and traditional of me. Why? […]