Vow, that’s what she calls herself. She sits in silence, because someone might be listening. Watches the walls, because they could be casting sly glances at her frame, hidden beneath such unassuming clothes.
Ten o’clock. There is burble and hiss. It seems the news is not good. The drought is worsening; the livestock are falling before […]
Jesus had been hanging around on the cross for three long days. Frankly, he was getting rather tired of it. His arms hurt from all that stretching, the strain was tearing them from their sockets, and he had bloody great holes in his hands. As for what all this exposure to the elements was doing […]
Exhibit ES 240109/TR-pa
Transcript of voicemail message
left on Ed Scaramanga’s mobile
phone: Tuesday 20 January 13:47
Hello sonny boy, dad here. Guess you must be in one of your meetings. Listen, can you give me a call about your mother’s grave? Was contacted by the cemetery and some little thugs have been tearing up the place and vandalised a […]
Fears for missing market researcher
The Islington Local & Herald
Sunday 1 February
As a widespread search continues for Edwin Scaramanga (known as Ed), the Islington man who went missing over a week ago, local police have appealed once again for any information relating to his disappearance. They have also expressed serious concerns for his safety and his […]
From: Edwin Scaramanga
Date: Sun, Jan 25, 2009 at 2:57 AM
Subject: Auto-response from Ed Scaramanga Re: hey, you there?
To: cathy.ev1980@gmail.com
Hi,
Thanks for your email. Apologies for the automated response, but I’m
currently only checking this inbox infrequently.
If your query is concerning independent market research advice, please
be aware that I am not available in this capacity right now. […]
This is Edwin Scaramanga. To those who know him, those who love him and even those who despise him, he is known simply, affectionately, bluntly, occasionally with some exasperation, as Ed.
Ed is 33 years old, and lives in an unremarkable side street in Islington, north London. He works in market research. He hates having his photo […]
Once there was, and once there was not. Stories start, safe in the knowledge that they must — at some indeterminate time and some unspecified place — end. That’s their way. For every exposition, there is a denouement. That’s their raison d’être. In between times, we scrape our heels in a slow tide of humanity […]
The World’s Worst Eskimo was sitting in my living-room, sipping from a mug of cocoa clasped between her trembling, frozen hands. The chattering of her teeth quite drowned out the reassuringly dull drone of the passing traffic, five floors below, as it headed for the consumerist bright lights and a frenzied bout of last gasp […]
Here begins an urban fairytale.
Staying in is the new going out. It’s the new black. It’s what everyone’s wearing this season. I don’t get out much, as a rule. Out is overrated. Too much of a muchness. I prefer staying in, carefully tending to small outcrops of dead skin cells as if they were plants, […]
“At the third stroke, it will be one thirteen and thirty seconds. Beep beep beep.”
I should sleep. I should be asleep.
I remember the exact — or should that be the precise? — details of where and when my relationship with the Speaking Clock began. Of course I do. It hardly requires the scientific skills of crystal […]
“Sit down, Mr. Witness. Your pictures are back from the X-ray department. I’ll be with you in one wee moment.”
This is wrong. All wrong. A doctor’s tone is not supposed to be this psychotically cheery. The addition of a sing-song Scottish accent only serves to add to the impression that I am about to be […]
Life unfolds on this roundabout. The driver is unsure of his exit, so as he explores the myriad options available to him, cursing under his breath and becoming increasingly dizzied by his own confusion, I turn inwards to the grass island at our centre. A man in an unnecessarily thick winter overcoat sits slumped […]
A bell woke me. A bell brought me to my senses each time the day felt as if it was unravelling. And a final bell lulled me into dust particles of sleep that night. Dissolve and disappear with me now.
When my eyes fall open, the sound of the lazy dull hubbub of a Sunday morning weaving […]
I don’t wish to worry you, but I have spent the last three days locked in the boot of your car, travelling with you cross-country.
You are now at your destination. I am currently parked (as I imagine it) under the shade of a tree, trying to breathe in cool air amidst the sweltering temperatures. I […]
Someone stupid asked if we were friends. There was a chilly silence from the assembled drunken masses, until the moment when you revealed an iron crowbar kept in the lining of your jacket. Over there, a jaw loosened. Over here, a hand seized.
“Did you come armed for trouble?” I asked, pulling on your sleeve and […]