(Written last night when I was in a slightly alcoholic haze, though not drunk.)
Lately, I’ve had a feeling, a premonition, a glimpse into the future. It’s no great revelation, unfortunately. All I know is that I have this vague sensation that things are going to change for me in the near future. I don’t know how, I don’t know in which areas of my life these changes will manifest themselves (well, OK, I have some ideas), and I don’t know when — but there will be changes.
However, there’s an extra element to this foresight — I also feel that these changes aren’t going to be seismic. They are not going to be Major Life Events, just minor happenings or slow shifts that will result in cosmetic differences to my day-to-day existence. My problem is that I want changes to be huge, or not at all.
I’m not explaining myself very well, am I?
In recent years, I’ve become aware that there are two sides to my character when it comes to life direction. Half of me desires a complete and utter change, and a constant state of flux. This is the person who could pack a few belongings tomorrow, get on a plane and go — who knows where? — and start a new life, cutting virtually all ties with what went before.
However, the other half of me wants things to stay as they are for just a little longer — that’s not to say I don’t want interest, excitement and adventure, but I want it within the sphere of people and places I know, to retain the things I hold dear and that are important to me. Yes, it’s a need for security. But, more than that, it’s a need to build up a little history for myself because, for the past 12 years, I’ve lacked a sense of this in my life. (If you don’t know what I mean by “history”, think of it as having a linear past that you can trace back for more than three years).
The feelings I’ve had about impending change don’t satisfy either of those halves of my character. What I see before me on the horizon is the most complete illustration of the proverb “The more things change, the more they stay the same.” And I’ll confess to not being entirely sure whether to run with the things that are about to happen, even if they’re not quite what I want; hang around and wait for the seismic changes that may one day erupt through the ground beneath me; or to try and fight to keep hold of what I’ve got for a little longer.
You can’t beat a bit of weekend navel-gazing.