While I haven’t exactly disappeared, it has been a little quiet here recently compared to my normally verbose standards, and I think it might be that way for a little longer. Er, sorry.
Curiously, I’m getting almost nothing out of writing at the moment. No satisfaction, no inspiration, no sudden wish to communicate my thoughts. I type out some words and they don’t even look right — the letters seem to just appear in front of me as so many meaningless horizontal and vertical lines.
Maybe it’s because I have been writing quite a lot at work. Maybe it’s the weather. Maybe it’s the moods (in fact, you know me — it’s very probably the moods).
Conversely, what I am finding I need to do is talk. Yes, talking. In person. To other people. And in real life rather than in virtual web space too. This, as you’ll know if you’ve been reading closely, is unusual for a social-phobic, excessively paranoid person such as myself, who tends to clam up with acute shyness at the first sign of conversation, and thus has a corresponding inability to indulge in small talk.
I don’t know why this change has occurred. It might be the effect of temporarily working somewhere different and missing various friends and confidants. I still find myself wishing that ‘other people’ weren’t quite so important to me.
However, I also think that I’m currently desperately (and, in truth, almost pathetically) in need of reassurance. Reassurance about all sorts of aspects of life, but also just in vague general terms. I need to hear the voices of people who understand me and trust me (and whom I understand and trust in return), reassuring me that it’s all going to be OK. They don’t need to use those exact words — obviously not. Rather, it’s more about the simple process of communicating. This instant communication — face to face, exchanging words, thoughts and ideas — is reassuring to me. It’s that simple.
That’s not to say, of course, that I don’t value each and every person who comes here and takes the trouble to read the words on this site, particularly when the entries are as tedious and full of navel-gazing rhetoric as this particular example. One of the most touching aspects of posting the occasional — well, OK, more than occasional — missive from the darker recesses of my mind is that people do respond, they do reassure, both in comments and, even more extraordinarily, sometimes via email.
But it’s not instant and it’s not in person, and that’s what I need right now. I need to hear words rather than see them, to listen rather than read and write.
No doubt I’ll be back in my own little cocooned world of words very soon. It’s where I feel most at home, after all. Until then, however, please excuse the rather directionless tone of the horizontal and vertical lines on this page.