Dial-a-Guru

Lately, I haven’t really been in the right state of mind to make decisions. Any decisions. About any­thing. Even the simplest choices have proved too men­tally exhaust­ing. I’m coast­ing. Let­ting life hap­pen without my inter­fer­ence. Pos­sibly without my interest too.

How­ever, today I have man­aged to reach one utterly moment­ous yet irrel­ev­ant decision. I need to get myself a guru. Prefer­ably a new age one. A new age guru who is avail­able twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, to respond to every ques­tion I have about life — whether I phone it through, text it or email it. A new age guru who is per­man­ently on call with an unend­ing vari­ety of bland spir­itual say­ings, each of which — and this is vital — means abso­lutely noth­ing at all, yet can be inter­preted in numer­ous dif­fer­ent ways.

Then I can blame someone else, you see. Absolve all respons­ib­il­ity. And then spend the rest of the day work­ing out the non-existent mean­ing behind my guru’s latest deep and mean­ing­less words.

If you think this job is for you, and you’re con­fid­ent that you have the neces­sary skills and exper­i­ence, please apply within. There’s no wage as such — just a glow­ing sense of well­being and the reas­sur­ing feel­ing that you’re doing some­thing worth­while for a small sec­tion of human­ity (which you’re not, of course).

Oh, and you must be ready and will­ing to type instant responses to text mes­sages sent at three o’clock in the morning.