… it’s cold.
1. The entry begins
Waking up on Saturday morning and realising this fact (that it was very cold then, just as it’s still very cold now), I immediately turned on my central heating — which, thanks to the wonders of modern technology, had automatically turned itself off at 8.45am in the belief that I had left for work. I hadn’t, of course. Gone to work, that is. Because it was Saturday. Did I mention that?
Anyway, that exciting event took place some 37 hours ago. The central heating has remained on since then because, as I believe I’ve already mentioned, it’s very cold.
2. A brief digression (with picture)
We interrupt this scintillating verbiage to encourage you, the reader, to look at the picture on the left. It’s just over there. Yes, there. The cloud thing with a sun peeking out cheekily from behind it. It’s a BBC Weather symbol — as used by BBC weathermen, weatherwomen and, indeed, weatherpersons of non-specific gender over the years — and its purpose in the grand scheme of things is to indicate that there are likely to be sleet showers during the day. Either that, or it’s going to start raining asterisks and huge blue tears.
Now, in searching for this graphic, I also discovered that BBC Weather has a symbol indicating a sandstorm. This got me thinking that, one day when I’m feeling particularly unwell, I’d like to tune into the weather forecast after the late evening news and find that the jolly figure of Ian McCaskill has come out of retirement to excitedly proclaim that Wolverhampton has been issued with a Severe Weather Warning because of dangerous sandstorms that are about to sweep through the town centre. In January. When it’s cold. Very cold.
Fact check: there’s not usually sand in Wolverhampton, is there?
Please understand that I have nothing against Wolverhampton; I just picked a random city from my mental map of the UK, and Wolverhampton happened to be it. My sincere apologies to all Wolverhamptonians. You’re not really getting a sandstorm, I promise. I’m just slightly delirious, that’s all.
Where was I? Oh yes.
3. The entry resumes (keep up at the back)
The aforementioned central heating has, I’m very glad to report, now succeeded in thoroughly warming both me and my flat — to such an extent, in fact, that I probably wouldn’t even notice if the temperature outside had suddenly plunged to ten below zero and started freezing birds to death as they perched on branches.
The warmth here indoors, however, raises one major problem, a problem that can only really be properly mulled over at about this time on a Sunday night: namely that I have absolutely no desire to venture out into the icy frosts tomorrow morning, even if it is for the purposes of enthusiastically (cough) beginning a new week at work and earning enough money to pay for my lovely central heating.
Because it’s cold.
Did I mention that it’s cold? Very cold.
Oh, I did.
4. A ridiculous notion intervenes
It’s certainly too cold to consider writing interesting entries here. As I’m sure you’ll have noticed over the course of the preceding paragraphs. Lots of short sentences and interesting punctuation in lieu of actually having anything remotely engaging to say. I’m almost tempted to risk entertaining my reader(s) with a week of incredibly boring posts, purely in the pursuit of a stylistic device. Do you think anyone would notice? Or notice any difference? Or care?
Cutting edge blogging content continues. Pay attention, damn it.
5. The entry concludes
It’s cold. Or I’m ill. Whichever.
I’d like it to be Spring now. Please.