Oh, it’s great. Revenge of the Sith is really great. I can’t recommend it highly enough. It’s quite a long movie, but George Lucozade has truly excelled himself this time.
Let’s set the scene. It all takes place in space. Somewhere in space. Well, actually it doesn’t. It’s set on, um, a planet. Yes, a planet. A planet amongst the stars, where there are wars taking place. Presumably. Hence the title Star Wars, see? I don’t miss nuffink, I don’t.
Terrific visual effects, too. It’s all done with CGI and Meccano. I particularly liked the big spaceship — which is called, er, Big Spaceship Number One. Wow. Cool. Etc.
There’s a man with a beard. There’s a man with a hood too. Come to think of it, the man with the beard and the man with the hood might be one and the same. Or brothers. There’s a little robot that makes funny noises, and a taller robot who talks like Hugh Laurie. Oh, and I mustn’t forget the bloke in black with breathing problems. He’s nasty, I think, which is why he’s been condemned to eke out the rest of his existence making smutty phone calls to women on other planets.
Now, if I’ve got all this correctly sorted out in my head, I believe that this film is the last one in a trilogy. Wait a moment — somebody is telling me that it’s two trilogies. Sort of. I think it’s two trilogies, then. Which is a sixogy, as any fool knows. So yes, it’s the last film in the sixogy. Except it isn’t, because it’s the third in the sixogy, even though it was the last one to be made.
Oh, hang on, another person has just informed me that this movie is a prequel. That means that this particular film is the last in the first trilogy, before events move on to the first in the second trilogy. Which was actually the first movie. So surely this means that we all know what happens in the end? Where’s the fun in that? Oh, never mind.
Anyway, in case you’re confused, the quickest way to recognise the movies from the first trilogy — which is actually the second trilogy, remember — is by the hairstyles. The original story takes place during the Great Space Era, when galactic fashions dictated that everyone should take their coiffure cues from Earth in the late 1970s. Hence you’ll see a lot of luxuriant bobs — the sort of hairstyle that would prove to be immensely impractical if a stray flyaway strand got caught round one of those bathroom strip-lights that they all use as swords. Ouch.
So in this last movie — or the third movie, whatever, I’ve lost the will to live by now — Luke Skydiver finds out that Daft Vader knew Lloyd George who knew his father, and that he’s actually Obi Wanker Nobi’s son. Or nephew. Or uncle. Possibly.
In summary: the major disappointment of Revenge of the Lisp is that there are no big song and dance numbers. A chorus line or two would have been a welcome addition, especially if it had featured Chewbacca doing some tap-dancing.
There you go, then. Will that do?
OK, time to confess: I haven’t actually seen Revenge of the Wisp yet. In fact, I won’t be seeing it at all, because I have a pot of white emulsion and a wall that needs to be watched as the paint dries. But I was beginning to feel a bit left out of the latest topic to overtake just about every single site out there in the blogosphere, so I thought I would make my own pithy (sithy?) contribution.
Finally, here’s an exclusive plot spoiler:
THEY ALL DIE AT THE END.
Oops. Sorry. I hope that didn’t ruin it for anyone.