Not that I ever plan posts here, but for the past few days I have had one circling around my head, repeatedly reminding me that it had to be written down. It was — or is due to be, if it ever makes it to the page — on the subject of Being Needy.
Because, you see, I am ashamed to admit that I used to be needy, dreadfully needy, until the morning when I woke up and decided that being that way was making me into a thoroughly unpleasant person. I decided, instead, to become hard-faced and self-sufficient: “I don’t need anything from anyone in any way whatsoever, thank you very much”. And I’m not sure what that process has done to me, if I’m honest.
I’d like to say that making the above change turned me into someone who was thoroughly, exceptionally and impressively independent. I’d like to say that, but I can’t. I think it might just have left me with the hard face, and a deeply ingrained need to feel needed. Which is a kind of need in itself, isn’t it? Or something.
So that was going to be my post. I suppose I’ve just written it too, albeit in rather less elegant and poetic language than I originally planned, and without the detailed psychological self-analysis (read ‘navel-gazing’) that undoubtedly would have ensued. This entry, then, hasn’t been brought to you by a lack of words, excessive tiredness, and a general feeling of ennui.
And the reason for writing this entry? Here? Now? In it’s highly abridged form? Ironically, it’s because I’m feeling needy. Again. For the first time in ages. Finding myself unable to make decisions about anything, I rather want somebody to turn up at my front door tonight and tell me what I’m doing, where I’m going, and then drag me there (or anywhere away from here) for the weekend, for a week, for a month, maybe forever.
I blame a stream of consciousness for this entry. That side of me always has an uncanny knack of being able to conquer my tendency towards obfuscation, and that mental victory often makes me write things I know I shouldn’t, which end up making me feel very very sheepish and embarrassed in the morning.
Quick, somebody remind me of those all moments when I’ve believed without a shadow of a doubt that being needy is for fools. I need to regain my steely resolve. Please.
Note: In case you’re tempted not to believe me about the rapid stream of consciousness, let me tell you that this post was written in the space of approximately three and a half minutes, seemingly without utilising any logical thinking whatsoever. Phew, rock ‘n’ roll.